a salute to Wesley Willis (1967-2003)

If Wesley Willis were here with us today, I'm sure he would have much to say about Beyonce, the war in Iraq and McGriddles. Since his death on August 21, 2003, our generation has yet to find a troubadour worthy of Wes' musical genius. Whether singing about the mundane (Northwest Airlines) or the fantastic (freakout hell bus), Wes always brought his unique sensitivities to the recording studio. His lyrics seemed to come alive against the subtle harmonies of his Casio keyboard: when he sang about about the chikken cow, I felt as though my own brother had been stabbed in the ass after venturing into the cold. Wes sang with a quiet dignity rarely associated with someone of his youth. A southern poet once described Wes as bearing a "determined resignation" more appropriate for a certain Confederate general than a 300-pound homeless schizophrenic retarded man. It was his numerous and bizarre handicaps that made Wes' message both universal and hellishly prophetic.

Wes wouldn't have wanted us to sit around and morn his death. He would have wanted us to rap about the things we love, like Rock 'N Roll McDonalds or the Vampire Bat, or things that make us sad, like Kris Kringle being a car thief. Below is a tribune to Wes, an annual songwriting exercise intended to honor his legend by lovingly copying the musical formula he so daringly pioneered:

Jessica Simpson

Jessica Simpson
Jessica Simpson
Jessica Simpson is on TV
She looks good in numerous ways
She is fun and not shy about her feelings
Jessica Simpson
Jessica Simpson
Jessica Simpson
Jessica Simpson is hot like a beast
She really has it going on
She can really belt out tunes

[musical interlude - spend the next four minutes imagining Wes ripping up one smokin' keyboard solo]

Jessica Simpson
Jessica Simpson
Jessica Simpson

[another muscial interlude four minutes in length]

You are considered the bomb
People are impressed by your brains
People also know that you are sweet without a doubt

Jessica Simpson
Jessica Simpson
Jessica Simpson

Rock over London,
Rock on Chicago,
Polaroid - see what develops

yard sale

So one of my roommates and I had a yard sale this weekend. Yard sales can be frustrating because you have to watch people scruntinize the things you own. Despite the fact that your selling it for one-tenth of its value, they still don't buy it. We tried to price things to move and I think we did a pretty good job.

My roommate Drew managed to sell two pairs of used shoes. Who buys used shoes?? I thought about trying to discourage him from putting them out because I thought that it might detract the high-end cleintele that my items and sales strategy seeked to attract. Well some creepy dude actually bought both pairs of shoes! He only paid a few bucks and he asked questions ('do these have stains?') but I was still shocked. Drew left to get a bag for the guy and he asked me who the shoes belonged to. I told him that they were Drew's and he goes "Well, tell him that I'll have some nice memories of him....for my feet!" Truly creepy, although he left without incident. And Drew made three bucks or something.

We also managed to sell a huge, stained rug that had not been vacuumed in two years! The guy asked about the stain and only had to pay five bucks for a huge rug - but the thing was disgusting. We tried to carefully roll it up so that he couldn't see all the dirt, hair and food particles - I gues it worked. The rug was literally disgusting to walk on barefooted. Hence the no refund policy.

Lst time we had a sale, someone actually tried to get a refund for some clothes they bought. Shannon, who lived in the unit upstairs, sold some clothes for a few bucks and the girl tried to return them! Shannon resisted at first, but eventually gave the money back - the girl complained that they didn't fit. This month, all sales were final.

One of the fun things about our yard sales is that at the end of the day, we left unsold items on the curb for someone willing to take it for free. It usually takes a few days for everything to disappear. I'm surprised we don't get complaints from the neighbors. At around 11pm on the night of our sale, a guy knocked on our door. He didn't speak good English and it took me a while to figure out he had a question about our free items. Apparently, he had taken some of the free stuff. But his roommate told him he had to pay for it, thinking he had stolen it. So the guy was coming back to return the items or pay, I couldn't figure out which. We sent him away with a full explanation of the free curb policy, our last satisfied customer of the evening.